Happiness

The Big Bang.

“Sometimes when you meet someone, there’s a click. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I believe in that click.” – Ann AguirreBlue Diablo

I’d say it’s more of a “bang”.

I recently accompanied my boyfriend to a business dinner. Usually, when meeting new people, I am met with the same mix of questions: Where do you live? What do you do? What’s your life plan? All replied to with boring cookie cutter answers I have told a thousand times. However, upon my first conversation with a fellow ‘partner’, I was surprised by a query that I have never before been asked: What is it that you love about your boyfriend?

I wanted to answer intelligently; not some cliche answer like he’s caring he’s funny yada yada. I thought for a few seconds, but I could not articulate it at all. I couldn’t pin point that thing that attracts you completely, solely to that one person that was once a stranger. All I could muster was, we just click.

I began to wonder: What is it in humans that makes us decide the difference between connections? We meet people that we have no interest in pursuing. We meet people that attract us physically or as compatible friends. And then, every once in a while, there’s those few that attach themselves to somewhere within us, and stick inside our heads for years to come. Why are some brains strangers to our own when some can become so naturally connected?

I’ve met plenty of men that I’ve found psychically attractive almost instantly. When you converse with them, the attraction either grows or shrinks. A connection could well blossom: it’s possible. I’m sure that happens all the time. That’s how most friendships and acquaintances begin.

But in my experience, there has only been a small handful of meetings over the course of my short twenty-two years alive that present an instant bond – a psychic language inside your heads. Almost like a, “Oh, there you are.”

With some it hits you like a punch in the face.

Think about it for a second: How many people in your life do you feel certain that you know? That you feel 100% yourself and content with? No pretence, no sociability, no secrets, no effort, no inner monologue in the back of your head during conversation telling you “Don’t say that”, “What do they mean?”, or “I’d rather be with someone else.”

There is a monologue in Frances Ha!, that encapsulates this thought:

“It’s that thing when you’re with someone, and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it… but it’s a party… and you’re both talking to other people, and you’re laughing and shining… and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes… but – but not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual… but because… that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it’s this secret world that exists right there in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s – That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.”

Feeling a connection with a fellow human being is an incredible thing, whether it be romantic or not. After all, some of the most rewarding connections I’ve experienced are with girlfriends and family members.

Although. I can’t help but feel that romantic connections could hold negative connotations. In Wuthering Heights, Kathy says:

“He’s more myself that I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

Poetic, yes. Romantic, yes. Healthy? Maybe not.

In the past, I’ve felt amazingly strong connections with people that I now would pass in the street. And that terrifies me.

Because, just because someone has seen the dustiest, darkest corners of your mind, and claims to understand them, it does not mean that they love you unconditionally and it definitely does not make you safe.

“We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours.” Just be sure that those demons know how to calm each other after all the fun.

Your soul mate does not need to be your perfect man/woman. It can be your best friend. Your mum. Someone sitting next to you on your commute. Human connection is a beautiful thing. But so is being aware of your part in the connection. Because the best connection you will ever experience, is your relationship with yourself.

Title quote: Ann AguirreBlue Diablo

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Advice, Happiness

“Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.”

How many times have you heard a loveable friend say the heart wrenching words,

“I NEEEEED a boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/life partner”?

During a conversation with Steve Inskeep aired on Morning Edition in 2012, the late great Phillip Seymour Hoffman said, “to be loved, I think, is like, the thing that gets you up in the morning.” I agree with him to an extent. Of course, we all want to be loved, cared for and somewhat cherished. But hearing the desperation in my friends voice – a girl that is for the most part really cool and intelligent, by the way – made me feel thoroughly sad. My facial expression was not too dissimilar to this:

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The friend sensed it. I’ve never been good at “putting on a face.”

The idea of LOVE, however you may chose to define it, is romantically installed in us from the word go. “Soul mates” sounds ever so lovely, doesn’t it? The idea that there is someone out there just waiting to be found (or for the lucky ones, found long ago) that will make our life complete and our entire being happy and fulfilled forever and ever until death do us part. Nice sentiment, sure. But is that really all the human race is capable of? Needing another whole person to complete another entirely whole person?

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My opinion is, we shouldn’t need another human to make us whole. I’ve been ‘in love’, to the best of my knowledge*. It’s really really nice, and I’m in no way disputing that. But there is a lot of things in life which make us whole, and I don’t think that responsibility should be laid upon any human other than yourself. And what exactly defines a soul mate? Richard Bach says, “A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are.” Instead of falling over backwards in our attempts to find ‘the one’ that will complete us, searching hopelessly for the perfect person (if there is such a thing as perfection personified) and using up important time, energy and emotion in helpless feeble relations, perhaps we should look inside ourselves. What if we already own both our lock and key, without the need for a foreign object?

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I like the idea that we may have many soul mates across our lives. Whether it be a best friend, a companion, a sibling or a parent. If you’re one of the lucky ones that has fallen in love with their best friend, and believe that they are the missing puzzle piece to your work of wooden art, I am very happy for you. There is nothing wrong with being happy in love. In fact, I wish it for all of us. But there is so much more to life and so much more to the world than finding a romantic love. Love can fill a gap, but no one can complete you but yourself.

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*Love is many different things to many different people, and in my experience, you’re only in love with the person that you’re currently in love with. When that love dies and you find another person to love or another kind of love, the past love somehow becomes undermined or disappears at all. So can everyone ever really be sure that they are “in love”????? But that, dear reader, is a conversation for another day.

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